Friday, December 02, 2005

Jäger's Manhood

As a new dog owner I have been forced to confront many issues that I’d rarely given second thought to before, including (but not limited to) the responsibility that dog poop begats, the best approach to teaching the difference between shag carpet and lawn, how one might confuse a bone with a Clorox bottle, and, my focus of the day, the theft of a young pup's manhood.

Many a dog owner has wondered whether the prominent practice of snipping dogs' virility is cruel and unusual punishment. Some worry about androgyny. Others cringe at the thought of sharp objects in that general vicinity. And most question what psychological effects the chop job might have... will a dog lose his masculinity? Will he be traumatized for life? The whole process can take its toll on a dog owner, not to mention a dog... but it no longer has to .

As I pondered this, one of life's difficult questions, I came across the genuis of last year's Ig Nobel Award for Medicine. Neuticles, my friends, are here to ease your worries, calm your fears, and keep your dog thinking he's virile until kingdom come. Testicular implantation for pets is the name of this game.

Unethical you ask? Couldn’t this be said of removing a God given part in the first place?

What are they like? They are all made of “spage age” material designed to replicate a real animal testicle in size, shape, weight and feel. There are actually three types:

(made with polypropylene for rigid firmness)

(Solid silicone for a more natural firmness)

Neuticles UltraPLUS (Also solid silicone… but feels squishier)

They're firm, yet soft and natural when implanted. These babies are guaranteed to keep everyone guessing "Yeah... but are they REAL?" And you can bet Ubu is never going to know the difference.

Are they SAFE though? Over 100,000 pets worldwide have been 'Neuticled' without a single reported rejection or serious complication.* *When implanted as directed and minimal post operative care is employed.

Isn't this just a waste of money? He's not going to know they're gone anyway. To answer that, Neuticles poses a question to YOU, "Would he know if his foot was cut off?" Common-sense, they hold, suggests that he would.

These things are apparently a hit across the board. Triumph the Dog thinks they're a tasty snack, Maxim touts them as one of the 10 best things of 2004, and Rush Limbaugh thinks they're "Just plain neat." They're even getting super high-tech with these crown jewelsYou can now get 'em encoded with an ID chip.

Truth be told, they almost sold me on it. A pair of yuletide implants for my boy. Jäger frolicking and cavorting under light blue skies in wide open fields with everything seemingly intact. But alas, I'm still a student and these jugs are steep. The silicone ones run from $199-$379 for a 65 lb. dog... and that's without Vet fees.

But can you really put a price on manhood?
Yup... and right now $500 for a pair of synthetic gonads just seems too swank my blood. I mean these are basically pebble sized plastic Jelly Bellys we're talking about here.

Sorry Jäger, maybe next year. A rawhide candy cane to take your mind off things?


BA said...

The sweetest thing about neutering your dog is when there is just that little flap of scrot-skin left over flapping around in the breeze. Don't worry about him acting like a man, before Rusty lost his nutts he never humped anything; now he mounts up on bitches (female dogs guys) all the time and I just have to chuckle because... what's he going to do?

Gargantus said...

dude, save your money and buy something sweet. Unless, when your dog dies you can get those neuticles back and either use them again, sell them, or add them to your kids toy collection.