Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Heeeerrrrreeee'sss Jonny

Just a year after his infamous Crossfire appearance, Jon Stewart graced the GW campus with another appearance this past Friday. Melissa and I somehow finagled tickets, and while they didn’t come cheap, it was more than worth it. Since getting rid of cable this summer we were in serious need of a Jon-Stewart-fix. Kristen Kellems might peg me as having a bit of a male-crush, but what can I say? I’m not afraid to admit I love the man.

What I like most about Stewart, outside of being an equal opportunity offender, is his bullsh-t radar—He has this uncanny ability to hone right in on the ironies of practically any situation. It also helps that he doesn’t strike me as particularly ideological

Instead of directing his ire at a cable news show this time around, Stewart simply directed it at just about everyone else. Here are a few highlights (with the disclaimer that these quotes might be paraphrased a little):

Democrats Regaining Power: “Rapture will soon be upon us and only then will the Democrats regain control of the House and Senate... Nah, we'll f--- that up too. Somehow, Nader will get it.”

President Bush’s response to Hurricane Katrina: “The president had a day of prayer. He should have had a truck of food.”

Where Bob Novak is these days: “He only comes out at night now. When you feast on the blackness of souls, sunlight can eat away at your fleshy exterior.”

U.S. in the Middle East: “We’re never getting out of the Middle East and I’ll tell you why – It’s because God decided to found all three of the dominant world religions within two square blocks of each other.”

“Under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance: “If you want to make a phrase meaningless, make second-graders repeat it every day.”

Posting the 10 Commandments in schools: “The 10 Commandments keeps kids from shooting other kids just as well as the ‘Employees must wash hands’ sign keeps piss out of my Happy Meal.”

Intelligent Design: “Maybe God said ‘Oh Sh-t! It’s due tomorrow!!!’”

Easter: “Jesus Christ comes to offer salvation, dies for the sins of man, is resurrected in glory… and we say ‘I’m thinking painted eggs.’ Maybe there’s something to it though: 12 apostles, 12 eggs in carton... and one always comes cracked (Judas).”

The Pope: “The Pope is the most loved man that no one agrees with.”

Boy Scouts banning gays: “The definition of gay is thousands of young men wearing neckerchiefs going to a jamboree.”

Jewish Response to Oppression: Blacks created Jazz [in response to oppression]. Jews complain too, we just never thought of putting it to music.”

Minorities: “Minorities also have an obligation to the majority. If you are a minority, you shouldn’t make everyone have to honor you and how “special” you are. If you’re Jewish and live in a town that is all Christian, you’re going to need put up with a damned Christmas tree.”

Having Children: “I've never gotten the chance to ruin someone from scratch before.”

6 comments:

Mind Spewer said...

Marc's got a man-crush! Maybe you and Ry should go on a double date. I'm sure Ali G and Johnny could find something to talk about.

Camille said...

So...when's Rod Stewart coming to town?

Marc said...

Are you implying that I have a Rod Stewart man crush? Trust me... if I was going to switch hit, it wouldn't be for a guy named Rod.

Camille said...

I am implying that, in my deep knowledge of pop culture, I had confused Jon and Rod... Joke's on me.

melbo said...

Marc, that was an excellent re-cap. Now you can admit you have a man-crush. I've known for a long time and it's okay.

melbo said...

Not so much okay if it's Rod, though.