"My Cheap Friends"

So apparently I'm a cheapskate.

My friend Anderson would claim he's known this for years, dating back at least to the time we bickered about gas money after an impulsive road trip to California. Last night, however, it was a nationally renown and best-selling author leveling the accusation.

The wife and I went to D.C. to hear David Sedaris read some stories he's been working on for an upcoming book and a few magazine articles (here are some samples of commentaries he's done for NPR). The material was up there with his very best. He had us all bowled over laughing and managed to steal two hours from us before we knew it. He wrapped up the lecture by answering some questions and recommending a few books to the crowd, including a favorite that he keeps extra copies of on hand for those "emergency" situations when he unexpectedly feels obliged to proffer a gift.

Afterward, Sedaris stuck around to sign books and fraternize. Melbo and I waited over an hour for our shot at him. We had copies of Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim and Naked for him to sign and, as we approached him, I mentioned to him that it was ironic that he had plugged his "emergency" gift book that night because our emergency gift book just so happened to be his Corduroy. I explained that about a year ago we'd found it on clearance at Borders and had purchased 12 copies; I then pulled the four remaining ones we had had left in our basement out of a bag that Melbo brought.

Sedaris laughed and thanked us for pointing out that Corduroy was now considered a remainder book at a major book retailer like Borders. We tried to save face by pointing out that we'd actually bought a couple his other books at full price. But the damage was done. Everyone in line now knew that David Sedaris was sitting there staring at a stack of books that we'd paid a quarter of the list price for and now seemingly wanted him to sign. To assuage our guilt, he reassured us that he still got paid the same regardless of what price the retailer sold the book at. We agreed that that was all that mattered, and he insisted on signing the lot of them.

Believing we'd smoothed over my witless remark, we slid our library of books over to him, and he signed away while we curiously asked him questions and engaged in some good-natured small talk. We then thanked him for his kindness, stowed our newly autographed, clearanced-priced wunder-gifts, and went on our way.

It wasn't until we were contentedly driving home from our enjoyable evening out that my wife finally showed me how Sedaris had signed our copy of Naked:

Quote of the Day

"Childrens do learn"

George W. Bush, during a speech today touting the importance of
education and pressuring Congress to extend "No Child Left Behind"

(Reuters Wire, September 26, 2007)

So I Married An Axe Murderer...

You want to know what one of the weirdest things about having a full-time job now is? Life insurance. I've never had it before. Well... actually that's not really true. My credit union kicked me out a free policy that I accepted, so I think I've been covered for all of one grand these past few years. If I died, my lucky wife would have had a whole quarter of my casket paid for, or perhaps even three or four nice floral arrangements.

Now I've got the real deal though. Somewhere in the neighborhood of $400,000. It's kind of eerie walking around knowing that my death will trigger a small, tax-free jackpot. I broached the subject with a friend tonight and joked that it probably meant I had to keep a closer eye on the wife. I was touched when he said he didn't think I had to worry. That killing me wasn't worth a few hundred Gs. $5 million maybe... but not a few hundred Gs.

God Has An Attorney?

So a couple of weeks ago, some joe-blow state senator from Nebraska filed a lawsuit... against God. This man, Ernie Chambers, claims to have done so as a way to protest the filing of another high-profile lawsuit he sees as frivolous while at the same time highlighting what he considers to be one pillar of our judicial system, the fact anyone can sue anyone in this country... even God (If this logic makes any sense to you, please take a moment to explain it to the rest of us).

In his complaint, the senator seeks a permanent injunction ordering God to stop "making and continuing to make terroristic threats of grave harm to innumerable persons," including Chambers' constituents, "who [Chambers] has the duty to represent." The complaint also alleges that God has caused "fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, devastating droughts, genocidal wars, birth defects and the like" which have resulted in "the wide-spread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants including innocent babes, infants, children, the aged and infirm without mercy or distinction."

Chambers claims he's tried to contact God numerous times, but the "despite reasonable efforts to effectuate personal service upon defendant 'Come out, come out, wherever you are,' has been unable to do so." In light of this, Chambers has requested that the court waive personal service because, since God is omniscient, it should be assumed that he has actual knowledge of the action. He's asked the court to grant him a summary judgment.

Well... God apparently knows a few lawyers and it seems he has, among other things, motioned for the court to grant him a special appearance just to contest jurisdiction. Even if this thing goes to trial though, God should make out alright. The thought of deposing Him has got to intimidate even the most seasoned trial attorney, and you have to figure that God's gonna' have an in with the judge and jury. On top of that, God's court submission purportedly includes a witness list with heavyweights like St. Michael the Archangel.

Behold The Fire Child

Kind Of What I Expected

So it's here. Tomorrow, as they say, is the first day of the rest of my life. My first 'real' job starts at 9am sharp.

No more school as a crutch to fall back on. No more waffling over what I want to do 'when I grow up'... because, apparently, I'm all grown up now.

Only this isn't quite what I'd expected being all grown up to feel like. I guess it never feels like that though. College. Mission. Marriage. Sex. Kids. Preconceived notions continually blown to smithereens.

I suppose if it were otherwise, life would be pretty dull.

So instead of bored, I sit here anxious. Hoping for the best. But not really knowing just what to expect from the next few days, weeks, and months...

Which, ironically, is kind of what I'd expect the night before my first day of 'real' work to feel like.

Go figure.

Repackaging Disney

Back in high school, one way my friends and I used to entertain ourselves on slow nights was to raid the Disney movie collection of whatever house we were in and show anyone who hadn't seen them all of the "subliminal" messages in the animated films. Yeah... we were a rowdy bunch. Our favorites included:

Aladdin:

• Near the beginning of the film, Aladdin's small monkey Apu, while jumping from rock to rock to avoid some menacing lava, pretty discernibly says "Oh Sh*t."
• During a scene outside of Princess Jasmine's window, Aladdin appears to say "Good teenagers, take off your clothes."

The Lion King:

• As Simba begins growing weary of his "Hakuna Matata" lifestyle, he retreats to a secluded cliff to reflect. In the plume of dust he kicks up as he lays down, you can kind of make out the word "Sex."

The Little Mermaid:

• The cover art was a veritable playground of phallic symbols and, according to some, you could also make out the F- word in the splashing water that frames the cover's central picture.
  
• During the wedding scene at the end of the film, the Priest performing the ceremony seems to get a large erection.

Good times, eh? So imagine my surprise when my wife and I recently purchased the Special Edition DVD of The Little Mermaid and found that not only had the cover art been completely redone to excise the offending images, the entire scene with the Priest at the end had been cut.

Is this an admission of guilt or has Disney simply decided to clean its house of misperceptions? Think of what other hidden treasures might now gone as well?! Have I been scouring Finding Nemo in vain?!!!!

Why We Need More Colin Powell

"What is the greatest threat facing us now? People will say it’s terrorism. But are there any terrorists in the world who can change the American way of life or our political system? No. Can they knock down a building? Yes. Can they kill somebody? Yes. But can they change us? No. Only we can change ourselves. So what is the great threat we are facing?

"I would approach this differently, in almost Marshall-like terms. What are the great opportunities out there—ones that we can take advantage of? It should not be just about creating alliances to deal with a guy in a cave in Pakistan. It should be about how do we create institutions that keep the world moving down a path of wealth creation, of increasing respect for human rights, creating democratic institutions, and increasing the efficiency and power of market economies? This is perhaps the most effective way to go after terrorists."

Colin Powell
Circa September 10, 2007
(More of Powell's wisdom in next month's GQ)

Italy In A Nutshell

I've been meaning to throw up a few blog posts about Europe for about a week now. Since it's hard to know where to start though, I thought I'd begin with a brief recap and then segue into a few random observations and hidden gems we ran across on the trip.

We embarked on our celebratory post-bar trip at the beginning of August. After bumming around in Switzerland for two weeks, we made our way to Italy. Our first stop was Florence. If you've never been, it's truly worth a visit. Our initial impressions, however, weren't so gushing. Perhaps it was the city's stark contrast to Switzerland as we drove through a ridiculous maze of streets in trying to track down our bed & breakfast. Bern might just be the cleanest city on earth while, as we drove in circles through Florence, the place seemed overrun by graffiti with shops everywhere closed up. Luckily, the city's charms quickly grew on us though. Our hotel was just two blocks from the famed Il Duomo (one of the largest churches in the world), which allowed us to spend a lot of time wandering the narrow downtown streets. The archaic street layout that so frustrated us on our arrival is actually pretty endearing. They've tried to keep it from changing too much in order to maintain the city's ancient character. There's a mess of history there, a lot of it awe-inspiring. From the famed Medici palaces, to the picturesque Ponto Vecchio, to the perfection of Michaelangelo's David, to Machiavelli's tomb. We also found out the reason for all the closed up shops we noticed on our way in... despite August being Florence's busiest tourist month, half of the city heads out on vacation. Go figure.

Next we drove the Chianti road through Siena to Rome, a city that is everything it's cracked up to be. We relished our time there... outside of having our camera ripped off that is (those damn Gypsies). From the Vatican to the Roman Forum, few cities have such a sense of antiquity. I could honestly sit inside the Pantheon for hours. One of our favorite things was all the amazing artists that lined the streets and piazzas peddling their works. We came home with more than a few pictures to frame.

After four days of tromping through Rome's many museums, cathedrals, parks and ruins, we broke for Naples. Now I'm not sure what you've heard, but I think you should know that Naples is essentially the butthole of Italy. It's only worth going to because of how close it is to so many other choice spots. We spent our two short days there first taking a boat to Capri to hit the beach and then driving the Amalfi Coast. With no time for things like Pompeii, Mount Vesuvius, or the Blue Grotta, though, we promised ourselves we'd return.

Last but not least, we returned to Switzerland by way of Milan. We only spent one night there, but as Melbo can attest, the shopping was fantastic. Melbo already wants to go back.

Some random highlights and lowlights:

• Word to the wise... most of Italy hasn't heard of toilet seats yet.

• The Italian police... whose idea were the hats?

• Just in case it seals the deal for you... rest assured that there are segway tours of Florence.

• One fine piece of ass...

• A great place to buy "David-inspired" paraphernalia for the kids.

• Even McDonald's got a Gelatoria.

• Hands down the greatest statue I have ever seen in my entire life. Buy your own replica here.
  

• Choice menu items... although I've got to tell you, the boiled ox tongue isn't all it's made out to be.

• Italians love kids. Almost everyone we passed seemed to coo at E and we were stopped more than a few times by passerbys who wanted their picture with him.

• And finally a spoiler alert. Erich's true identity... Emperor Palpatine
  

The Bar Exam... Or An Eight Foot Tiger Shark

Okay, okay… I’ll admit it. I’m guilty of some pretty severe blog-neglect these last few weeks. I've thought of posting several times, but I could never bring myself to do it. I chalk it up to post-traumatic stress disorder. I’m coming up on three weeks since the bar and I’m just now beginning to decompress. Kind of surprising considering I've been tromping around Europe for almost two weeks now.

Actually, kicking back in Switzerland has done wonders for me, but every once in awhile the muscles in my back freeze up and I begin to panic thinking that instead of whatever I’m doing, I should really be brushing up on what Virginia's statute of limitations for defamation is or whether a bona fide purchaser of real estate takes property subject to a prior owner's unrecorded mortgage (Just typing that made me queasy). As my wife will attest, it’s not a pretty sight.

The good news is that I survived. That doesn’t mean I necessarily passed (won’t know that until mid-October), but I did manage to make it through both days of that miserable exam with my sanity intact (for the most part). And that’s actually saying a lot considering I had to spend two days in Roanoke wearing a suit.

In hindsight, I feel alright about my performance. There were a couple of afternoon essays on the first day, however, that really threw me for a loop. An email from my wife that night helped to put everything in perspective though:

“I know you're miserable, my love, but it could be worse... This is James' brother!”

Yup… you heard it right (that is if you actually clicked on the link). My brother-in-law’s brother was bit by a freaking shark last month. Unbelievably, he escaped "relatively" unscathed. Outside of a pretty nasty bite on his leg, he’s actually alright. He’s expected to walk again and has one helluva' war story to tell to the grandkids one day.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that my brother-in-law’s brother is also a lawyer, so he probably had it coming. It happens to be a timely red flag for me. The wife and I are heading to Italian Riviera next week, so I now plan on being extra careful since I’m not sure whether sharks distinguish between lawyers who have passed the bar and those who haven’t (For you naysayers, the Mediterranean does indeed have its fair share of sharks).

I’m getting ahead of myself though. The human psyche is an odd thing when you think about it… sometimes just being reminded that you could be a whole lot worse off helps you feel a whole lot better about a crappy situation. My wife and her opportune email hit the spot and put an end to my post-day-one obsessing. All things considered, you gotta’ admit that being sharkbait tops taking the bar exam on pretty much every list of crappy things a person could go through. I guess if I really want to know definitively, however, I'm gonna' to need to ask my brother-in-law’s brother (I guess I should probably thank him too).

Anyway, in addition to the article above, here’s a CNN news clip as well as a few post-surgery pics’ courtesy of my sister-in-law (view at your own risk here and here).

For those of you concerned by my lengthy blog-silence, rest assured that I’m alive and well and hope to keep posting regularly. I've put the bar exam behind me (for now) and haven’t been eaten by any sharks… yet.